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Wednesday 6th June ’01. 7.23 in the morning. From his executive office Michael Macintyre looks out upon the cold daylight. He murmurs to himself, then takes out a dictaphone and begins to plan his day. His usual, jaunty air seemed a bit flat...MICHAEL (Dictating): Wednesday. That must be bridge night at Hilda and Janet’s. I can’t make it. If mother phones must remember to tell her to bring the blancmange on Sunday. And to keep it a surprise for Ellen. (Pause) Yes. Ought to start being more pleasant to the old girl. I think she suspects that I’m having an aff- . Mustn’t say it on tape, Michael! Walls have ears. Er, I guess I have to go bowling with Olivia tonight at Barry’s Bowl’O’Rama. We haven’t had a night out together for ages. But can I still hit the pins? (Pause) Yes. Ellen will be away all week with that producer Martin Blarnspot. Another freebie. Well, more a fact-finding tour of North-Eastern waterways to collect information for our proposed canalling saga. Memo to Ellen: did they really need both weeks away together? A knock at the door MICHAEL: Oh – come in. (Pause) Livvy darling! They kiss... OLIVIA: Hello Michael. I’ve brought you your boiled egg. And soldiers. MICHAEL: Olivia – you’re so lovely. (Pause) Er – the intercom’s turned off? OLIVIA: There’s no one here but ourselves. Would you like me to stoke your real log fire? The embers are smouldering in the grate. Pass me that poker. MICHAEL: Thank you. Just a little. OLIVIA: There. (She finishes stoking) MICHAEL: Normally at this time of the morning we expect a call from the indomitable Mrs.Parker. I haven’t seen her apple cheeks yet today. She’s not – ill, I hope? OLIVIA: No – she’s taken two days off to go and visit her sister in the wilds of the Lake District. MICHAEL: Yes. I remember now. OLIVIA: She isn’t back till Friday. (Pause) You look tired. You’re working far too hard. Poor love. MICHAEL (Sighing): Yes. I was up all last night devising a new late-night panel game to be hosted by Geoffrey 'The Jock' Secombe. It’s like the popular TV game ‘Have I Got News For You‘, but instead of news the subject is trains. We’re looking at a fifteen or eighteen part series – I’m not sure – to begin transmission shortly. As soon as Secombe is out of prison. OLIVIA (Yawning): Michael. Could you tell me some other time? MICHAEL: You look tired too, sweetheart. OLIVIA: I am tired. Michael – sometimes it seems as if you’ve forgotten - . MICHAEL: What? OLIVIA: That I’m pregnant! Huh! MICHAEL: How could I, darling? Ok. See you soon. We’ll discuss my new series another time. Maybe when we’re bowling. OLIVIA (With what seemed to be irony): I’ll look forward to it. MICHAEL: I hope you don’t mind that I’m a whizz. At college I was known as ‘The Ten Pin Kid‘. I had my own bag. My arm was insured. OLIVIA: I’m not worried, Michael darling. I’ve never really had a competitive edge. (Laughs) 10.16am. On a train bound for Kendal, Mave Parker is filling in the Daily Mail crossword. She is stuck on one of the clues... MAVE (To herself): Seventeen across. Seventeen across. Three letters. First letter: 'J'. Oh – it could be 'Jol'! No, there’s no such word. As far as I know. What about 'Jet'? Oh no, the last letter’s 'B' not 'T'. (Pause) Oh – look at those lovely lambs on the hillside. Three letters – er - . STRANGER (Coughs): Am I disturbing you? (Coughs again) MAVE: That’s a nasty cough. Would you like a cough drop? STRANGER: Thanks. My name is Prestwich Sturgeon. I’m in a dreadful predicament. I was wondering if you would be kind and do me a favour. I can’t help noticing the destination on your ticket. You’re heading into the Lake District, are you not? MAVE: Yes. PRESTWICH: Furthermore, I surmise from the map in your hand with a red circle around the town of Widow’s Elbow that you’re heading for the town of Widow’s Elbow. MAVE: My sister lives there. She’s a lonely soul. I’m going to cheer her up. I go quite regular like but it don’t seem to do much good. PRESTWICH: I have friends there and I need to deliver this brown paper bundle urgently, but my ticket can only take me as far as Coot Falls station. Could you take it for me? Also, I suddenly feel weak and ill. (Pause) Take it to the post office and leave it in the pigeon hole marked O.G. Will you? (Pause) There’s no other way. Look – I’m weak! If you can’t help me I’ll be ruined! MAVE: Oh well – if there ain’t no other way. Give it ere then. It says ‘Careful‘. ‘Fragile‘. PRESTWICH: Yes. Thank you. Please be careful - . 3.15pm. Mave has arrived at the stone cottage of her sister, spinster Jenny Luscombe. Mave makes some hot beverages, while Jenny is weaving a tunic on her loom... MAVE: There we go, Jen. A nice cup of Bovril. Hot and steaming, just ‘ow you like it! Ooh! Let me get me feet up. (She sits) Ooo! That’s nice. JENNY: Thanks, love. And thanks for coming all this way to see me. Again. You didn’t have to, but you know if you don’t all I’ve got for company is the log-store. (Pause) So - . MAVE: What’re you doing? JENNY: Tapestry. On my loom. For a tunic. This is a good place for a loom. There’s plenty of room. Do you agree? Have you any plans for your visit, sister? Or are you going to take things as they come? Eh? Things are different up here in the Lakes. Not like your hurly-burly life of London whirls, oh no! I can put you right on that! Oh no! Life up here’s not cheap. No. It’s hard. Oh, hard! Yes. (Pause) Can you check on the oven for me, lovely? I put those scones in to bake yesterday around lunchtime and they’re still not really solid yet - darn! MAVE: Can I see what’s on the telly? JENNY: I only have a wireless. Horse chestnut? MAVE: No thanks. Haven’t you been watching ‘Neighbours‘? JENNY: Neighbours? Neighbours? The only neighbours I have for company are the wind and the weather! We have big clouds here! Big hills and big clouds. Have I shown you my watercolour sketch book? It’s full of big clouds. (Pause) Yes. Turn those scones over. That’s a love. There - . My oven glove’s for using... Evening. 7.39pm. Barry’s Bowl’O’Rama near Shepherdsfield. Lane 8. Michael and Olivia are laughing together as they contemplate Michael’s unenviable scoring ability... Michael laughs awkwardly... OLIVIA (Laughing): Oh Michael! You told me you were good at this, but I think you could do with a few lessons. From a two year-old. Come on. I’ll buy you an ice-cream. Oh – stop sulking. MICHAEL (Sorely): I’m as rusty as a fisherman’s crab-pot. I used to be good, really good – in my youth. I guess I need all this practice, eh love. (Pause) Livvy? What are you looking at so intently? You seem distracted. OLIVIA: Er – no. I’m not. (To herself) Oh no! That man by the telephone, watching us – it’s my other boyfriend, and father of my baby, John DuBrie! I’d better talk to him. (Surprised) Oh! He seems to have recognised Michael! He’s coming over. (Pause) John! Hello! We’re having our annual office party! JOHN: Hello, Olly. I thought that you had that last month. OLIVIA: Oh, we have them quite regularly. Er, it’s good for office morale. A few moments later, Michael, Olivia and John are sitting in the café having a cup o’cinno... MICHAEL: Glazed pastry, Olivia? OLIVIA: No thanks. John – let me introduce – my boss. Michael Macintyre JOHN: I knew you straight away. Let me shake your hand. MICHAEL: How did you know me? OLIVIA: John. Let me do the explaining. (She whispers this to John) Michael has just split up with his wife. It’s very sad. Er, if he sees that we’re a happy couple he’ll become sad, and ultimately might fire me. Possibly... do you understand? Play along. JOHN: OK. (Pause) So, Michael – not with the wife tonight then? MICHAEL: What? OLIVIA: John! Ignore him, Michael. I mean er, Mr.Macintyre. MICHAEL: I still haven’t been introduced. You know each other well? JOHN (Playing along): Not really. OLIVIA: Oh no. We’re just friends. JOHN: My name is DuBrie. John DuBrie. I’m from the Plum, Plum and Corvell investment house. One day I hope it’ll be the Plum, Plum, Corvell and (Pause) DuBrie investment house, but - . OLIVIA (In awe): Oh John! (Realising her mistake) I mean, er, really? MICHAEL: But Channel Z is dealing with that investment house at the moment. In fact there’s a meeting next week in the main boardroom to discuss a financial package to enable us to complete our major new drama series, ‘CHRIS: The Christopher Columbus Story‘. I’ve had to take control of the project. Ever since Ellen fell under the spell of that profligate executive producer Martin Blarnspot the production has threatened to capsize. If you’ll forgive the sea-faring pun. Ha ha. JOHN: Ha ha! You were always so jolly funny. MICHAEL: So you do know me - ? JOHN: You were my media studies lecturer, four years ago at South West Derbyshire College. MICHAEL: I thought you looked familiar! Little John DuBrie! You were my best student. Yes. You absorbed all that I had to teach. You fair drained my enlightening facility dry. JOHN: And I’ve done well. As you can see. Cord slacks of this quality don’t fall from the skies you know! MICHAEL: Don’t I know it! Let me buy you – er, us all – a drink - . OLIVIA: John – hadn’t you better get back to your party. They look like they’re waiting to start a tournament. JOHN: Yes. I’d better go. See you soon, Michael, I hope. MICHAEL: At the meeting. Cheerio there. JOHN (To Olivia; a bit too warmly): I’ll see you later! Olivia mumbles goodbye. She sounds embarrassed by John... MICHAEL: Nice chap, but what did he mean, 'See you later'? He said it that way. 9.06pm. Mave is sitting on the veranda. Jenny comes to join her with a coffee... MAVE: Ta. (Slurping coffee) Mmm. Funny taste this. JENNY: Thanks for doing that stitching work, Mave. I’m hopeless with stitching wool. Of course, Elliott and myself – we didn’t have to do our own in the old days. Mave sips her drink again... JENNY: Now it’s just me. All alone in the wilderness. But I’ve got my work with the National Organisation For The Prevention Of Flugel Horns. (Pause) It keeps me busy, I guess. What a long day it’s been. MAVE: It’s longer in the city. I’m missing my friends. I miss Rodney with his ready smile as he wipes the windows. JENNY: You’re only staying one night. I do so love to see you. (Pause) Mave – did you know that one can make coffee out of goat droppings? MAVE: No. Can you? (Pause) You haven’t! (Coughing and spitting out drink) JENNY: Well – I’m for bed. Will you come again to visit me soon? MAVE (Warily): Per’aps. (Pause) Ere Jen, I met this ever so dodgy feller on the train today... This is where the tape ran out, sir. Their conversations are really boring sir anyway. Try listening to them over and over again. I'm not complaining or anything. Alright, I got to stay at a five star hotel in the Lakes. |