The second series of tapes were recorded on Tuesday 24th April '01. This was Ellen's 38th birthday. In Reception...
MAVE:
Ere, d’ya think Mrs.Macintyre’s gonna be ever so surprised that we’re planning a surprise party for her birthday? Thirty eight! Don’t the years go round fast! Only last week I remember...
MICHAEL:
That’ll do, Mrs.Parker. I have a lot to sort out this morning. Can you just make sure that everything we need for the party is ready in the main boardroom for four o’clock, please.
RODNEY:
Don’t worry, Mr.M, everything’ll be ready. This party’s gonna be monster.
MICHAEL:
Oh, I do hope so, Mr.Clambake. My, that’s an attractive new stud that you’ve put in your ear. (Coughs) I’ve been neglecting Ellen lately – I admit it – and I want this party to be my way of making it up to her. Here – take fifty pounds each. Mr.Clambake – I want you to purchase the alcoholic beverages and Mrs.Parker the food. Snacks – nothing fancy. Alright? And don’t breathe a word of this to Mrs.Macintyre. See you both this afternoon.
MICHAEL goes...
MAVE:
Come on, Rodney. I’ll pop down Co-op and you go the offie. Shall I get some crisps?
RODNEY:
Yeah. My favourites are ready salted. (Chuckles) Let me help you with your shopping trolley.
10.59am. Studio One. Ellen is inspecting a replica set of the famous ship The Santa Pinta, newly constructed for filming of the lavish new drama “CHRIS: The Christopher Columbus Story”. The executive producer Martin Blarnspot is pointing out an intricate piece of carving...
ELLEN:
Yes. That’s very good. That’s an impressive stern. You think we’ll need only 30,000 gallons of water in the tank, not 50? Okay. Well, I think you can all feel very proud of yourselves. Er – who’s this?
Peter Huddlewike. He’s here on a work scheme. He’s from the Black Country...
PETER:
I’m so sorry to disturb you, Mrs.Macintyre. I’m such a huge fan of yours. I’m a trainee floor manager on this production. Huddlewike.
ELLEN:
What?
PETER:
That’s my name. Peter Huddlewike.
ELLEN:
Your hand is all wet.
PETER:
Oh, I’ve just been swabbing down the deck over there. I’ve seen all the programmes you’ve commissioned – even the ones that weren’t really any cop.
ELLEN:
Oh.
PETER:
Can I have a word with you for a sec?
In another part of the studio Olivia and Michael bump into each other...
OLIVIA:
Oh, Mr.Macintyre!
MICHAEL:
Olivia.
OLIVIA:
Darling!
They kiss...
MICHAEL:
Oh, it’s so good to see you again. My morning’s been so boring.
OLIVIA:
Shush! This studio is crawling with people. (Confused) And they’re all wearing rags.
MICHAEL:
I presume they’re the ship’s crew extras, Olivia. We need rather a lot.
OLIVIA:
No. I mean – if word got out about our affair they’d have a field day!
MICHAEL:
Nobody’s going to find out. Now listen here. How would you like to be taken out for a surprise lunch?
OLIVIA (Delighted):
I’d love to. Where?
MICHAEL:
Meet me in the car park at three minutes to one. (Laughs) Sayonara, baby.
Olivia laughs
OLIVIA:
What?
Ellen’s office, on the forty-first floor. 1.05pm. Ellen is at her desk, eating crispbread ( I can tell from the munching noise). Peter is with her
ELLEN:
No, Peter, it’s not that I don’t like your ideas for new programmes. It’s just . . .
PETER:
What about: Rolf Harris, in a blizzard, tending a polar bear. Then three teams of contestants appear and they start playing “It’s A Knockout”-style games. Brill! (Pause) Or – I can see Peter Purves, with Vera Lynn, leading a massive nation-wide challenge to find out who owns the most varieties of tupperware. (Pause) What?
ELLEN:
Peter. I’m having lunch. I’m eating crispbread. Don’t anger me. Pop your suggestions down on paper and send them to . . . (Vindictively) Michael, via internal mail. (Laughs meanly) Thank you.
PETER:
Alright. I will. I’ll look forward to discussing it with you. I’m wanted back on the ship anyway.
Ellen sighs...
A grassy field, several miles drive from the studio. 1.15pm. Michael and Olivia are having a picnic...
OLIVIA:
Michael, this is the most perfect place. Shaded by the strong arms of this lovely oak. I’d better not have too much champagne, though, tempting as it is.
MICHAEL:
You will be at Ellen’s surprise party, won’t you? I must put on this terrible front, even though I feel like a – a piece of double-sided sticky tape when I do. That’s why . . . I was thinking about telling you that I want to leave my wife, and come and live with you. And your mother.
OLIVIA (Overjoyed):
Really? I’m so glad!
They kiss
OLIVIA:
Mummy won’t be so easily sold. You could offer to buy her a car.
MICHAEL:
I know she doesn’t drive. her chauffeur drives her everywhere
OLIVIA:
She’d be thrilled by the gesture. (Pause) Michael. I also have something special, something important that I’ve been meaning to tell you.
MICHAEL:
What is it, darling? You’re becoming a lifeguard?
OLIVIA:
No. (Pause) Michael – I’m pregnant.
The main boardroom. 3.59pm. About thirty colleagues, including Michael and Olivia, are waiting with baited breath for Ellen to come in...
RODNEY (Half-whispering):
Three fifty nine! She should be ere any minute now! Ssh! Shush! Everyone hide. That’s it. Ere, I fink she’s coming!
The hubub stops as the door opens...
ELLEN:
What’s this? Empty! Time is money and I don’t have money to waste. Michael swore blind there was a board meeting going on in here at four.
MICHAEL:
Now!
ELLEN:
What’s this?
ALL STAFF (Loudly):
SURPRISE!
The party kicks off with the Nolans’ ’I’m In The Mood’...
MICHAEL:
Happy birthday, darling. I wanted this birthday to be a special celebration.
ELLEN:
Oh – you smoothie. You’re so romantic. Here.
She gives him a peck on the cheek
ELLEN:
To be honest, amidst all the hurly-burly of the business I thought you’d forgotten.
MICHAEL:
Nonsense!
They laugh together...
Olivia has slipped out to make call her mother, Fenella Destiny-Moore...
OLIVIA:
Mummy? (Pause) Mummy! I’ve told him.
FENELLA:
You’ve told him?
OLIVIA:
He was going to find out. (Crying) He was overjoyed. Oh...
FENELLA:
Don’t worry, darling. Everything is going to be just fine.
Back at the party. A few minutes later...
RODNEY:
Mave – try some of this vintage white wine. I got it knock-off. I know this supplier in Hemel Hempstead. (Chuckles) Ere - .
MAVE:
What?
RODNEY:
Do we got to carry on working after this?
MAVE:
I don’ know. Ah! Look! Mrs.Macintyre and Mr.Macintyre look ‘appy, don’t they? A picture of marital magic.
RODNEY:
Pass us a Hobnob.
A few minutes later. Olivia is even more upset...
OLIVIA (Upset):
It isn’t that easy, mummy! You don’t know the whole story!
FENELLA:
I can’t see the need for these tears. Mm? You’ll get married, once he gets his divorce. You’ll have the baby - and a husband. And be very happy. Sit down, Livvy. Take a deep breath. What’s the big problem. (Pause) It’s not - ?
There is a 'pregnant' pause... (couldn‘t resist that one sir, sorry)
OLIVIA:
Mummy – it isn’t his! (Deep breath) It’s my other boyfriend, John’s!
There's a pause
FENELLA:
Your other boyfriend, John’s? I didn’t know you had another boyfriend. Darling – are you sure?
OLIVIA:
Yes! Oh, mummy; I don’t know what to do. It’s a terrible mess. We met one night at an all night veterinary surgery in Ambergate. His whippet was having a pinecone removed from her colon and my collie had gone in to have her glands swabbed. Our eyes met across the waiting room. It was love at first sight – even though I didn’t have my glasses on.
FENELLA:
Livvy – you astonish me. You’ve going to have to be truthful with these two men.
OLIVIA:
But what about Michael - ! I could lose my job.
FENELLA:
You can always come and work for me at my furniture conglomeration. Eh? Think about it. You’ll be all right, darling.
OLIVIA:
I love Michael!
Olivia sobs into her hanky
I hope this is useful to you. Further recordings are under way, boss. | 
