 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Friday 27th April ‘01. On the set of the lavish new drama 'CHRIS: The Christopher Columbus Story' Rodney has found a coigt. Mave witnesses his pleasure RODNEY (With joy): Ere – look at this! I didn’t even know they played coigts on board ship in the fifteenth century! (Pause) Mave! MAVE (Coming over to him): Oh yes. They loved to play deck games, even then. I know a lot about it cause I know this bloke what comes in my pub who’s been on a boat. Ere, it’s the first day of filming today. The international cast what they’ve assembled are all in make-up and the sets have been inspected. Exciting, innit? I wonder what it would’ve been like to have sailed with Columbus. RODNEY: Probably like going on any other sort of bus. (Chuckles) Ere’s the boss. Ello, Mr.Macintyre. Shiver me timbers, eh? MICHAEL: What? Oh yes. Hello my hearties. Have you finished sweeping the steps on the Genoa set, Mrs.Parker? Look – I can see a crisp packet on the steps of the old town hall. Come on! We’re filming on this set in just over an hour. RODNEY: Sorry – that was mine. (Chuckles) MAVE: Rodney likes ‘is crisps. I’ll go and pick it up. 9.21am. Ellen’s office. Ellen is enjoying a non-alcoholic lager and lime while talking on the phone to the writer of “CHRIS: The Christopher Columbus Story”, Aubrey O’Gough. ELLEN: You’ve got the rewrites? Tremendous. I’ll be with you on set soon. (Pause) I’m very pleased with the way this production is shaping up. (Pause) Yes. We’re under budget. (Pause) Alright. Great. Speak to you soon. (Pause) Michael’s on set so go right down. (Pause) Alright. Bye. (Pause. To herself) Better hurry now - can’t be late. I don’t want to let Martin down. Minutes later on Stage One. Michael has popped out of a meeting to have a word with the executive producer, Martin Blarnspot MICHAEL: Martin. All ready for the off? MARTIN: Michael! Yes! Yes! You know Aubrey, don’t you? Aubrey O’Gough. AUBREY: A pleasure. Hello. Actually we’ve only met once. It was at the BAFTA’s. We were sitting at adjacent tables. MICHAEL: I’m delighted that you’re a part of this venture, Aubrey. I’m holding a training day today for executives and their doctors, on health in the television world, so you’re on your own for now – although Ellen should be making an appearance. AUBREY: I do hope so. Where is she? MARTIN: She’ll be here soon. She is the producer. (Pause. Confidentially) Mike – is everything alright between you two? Anything you’d like to talk about? MICHAEL (To Martin; annoyed): Not now! (Pause) Well! I’ll bet you’re as excited about this series as we are, Mr O’Gough. Is that right? I’m often unsure of the pronunciation. AUBREY: It’s O’Gough – as in O’Gough. Tongue a little further forward on the palette. Yes. (Pause) Sorry – it seems to have gone quiet. Is it me? Peter Huddlewike comes up... PETER: Alright team! MICHAEL: Peter. MARTIN: Hello. MICHAEL: I’ll catch you later. Michael leaves them... PETER: Is Mrs.Macintyre ere yet? I’ve got a marvellous idea for a new drama-comedy programme about two stewardesses. You see, they both hate flying. Now that’s funny already! Well – anyway - one of them dares the other to join a cross-country hang-gliding society. The drama comes from their banter as they’re flying and the comedy from their lack of safety while hang-gliding. I guess Peter spots Ellen coming over... PETER: Ellen! Have you got five minutes?
A few minutes later. Ellen and Aubrey are inspecting the set of the birthplace of the great explorer - fifteenth century Genoa - prior to the shooting of the first scene. ELLEN: Thanks for those rewrites, Aubrey. Columbus seems to have more dignity now in the barge scene. AUBREY: That’s alright. The barge scene is now quintessentially Aubrey O’Gough. I say! Haven’t you done wonders here on Stage One? Very lifelike! Very Genoan. These people were way ahead of their time. Did you know that they practically invented the concept of the town plaza? As we round this corner I’m looking forward to seeing the town plaza that has haunted my nightmares and enlivened my dreams. Just as I imagined it. (Pause) Aaaaagh! Mr O’Gough screams, like a startled elk... ELLEN: What is it? (Pause) Speak to me, Mr.O’Gough. Mr.O’Gough? Please! (Pause) Fetch a medic! What, girl? Don’t stand there gaping! Can’t you see he’s ill? Ellen and Michael are at lunch in an exclusive urban restaurant /theme pub Michael’s mobile phone rings... ELLEN (Crossly): Who’s that now? MICHAEL: I’ve got to answer. (Pause) Hello? OLIVIA (On phone): Michael - . MICHAEL: What? I’m dining - with Ellen. Make it brief. OLIVIA (On phone): So sorry to disturb you. I need to talk. It’s urgent, Michael - . MICHAEL: I’m busy for the rest of the day. Perhaps we can discuss it tomorrow. See you. Yes. Bye bye ELLEN (Testily): Who was it? Another wrong number? MICHAEL: No. No. Only Olivia. Er – you were saying? Aubrey has withdrawn the rewrites which he was going to give us because he is unhappy about the width of the Genoan town plaza – meaning we’ve had to cancel today’ shoot? Say it isn’t so – darling. It’s a disaster! ELLEN: That’s correct. He’s holding us to ransom, and all because the set is not authentic enough. The man's a purist - but he's the biggest quality name writing in the television industry today. He’s a legend, Michael. We can’t do it without his changes to the existing script. (Pause) It’s no good pulling faces at me - ! MICHAEL: To rebuild the Genoa set would take at least three weeks. We’d be losing money hand over fist. Maybe even more. ELLEN: Then you tell him. You’re Station Chief. Michael grumbles... ELLEN: Michael, he fainted on the spot. We had to call an ambulance. It was a good job there was a conference room full of doctors close at hand. MICHAEL: I suppose Martin Blarnspot wants to postpone as well. (Pause) Thought so. You’re siding with him on this one ahead of me. Don't explain. No. Don’t try to explain. 3.53pm. Studio One. In the vastness of the deserted studio, Ellen is sitting alone at the bottom of Christopher Columbus’s garden, looking at a wishing well. She hears someone rustling in the grass... ELLEN: Martin! You startled me. I thought I was alone. MARTIN: Tough day? Tough up there as an exec, as they say. I know. I’m only working in TV until my bonds are matured then I’m getting out. (Pause) I think I know someone else who’s planning on getting out. Is that right? ELLEN: Oh Mart, I love being head of Programmes, but - . Oh - . (Pause) I love my office on the forty second floor you know. It’s the one place where I can really think. Along with my private sauna. (Pause) It’s here – in this building. Michael built it with the money we saved when we cancelled our second honeymoon due to a tango-instructors’ strike. (Pause) I’ll show it to you, one day. Shall I? Evening. 7.10. The Diddly Dud Inn, near Shepherdsfield. Olivia and John enjoy a candlelit supper... JOHN: Are you worried? About the baby? Don’t be, darling Liv – it’s tremendously good news. I don’t feel like I’ll be vying with it for your attention at all. So that’s good. (Pause) What’s up? Don’t sit there with such a miserable look. You haven’t touched your radish soup. OLIVIA: You eat it, John. It’s all you’ve been going on about for the last half an hour! (Pause) John? You know my boss at the station? Ellen? JOHN: Yes. OLIVIA: Well, she isn’t my boss. Not my main boss. You see - . Oh. (Pause) How can I put this? You see – my real boss – it’s her husband, Michael Macintyre. (Pause) What? JOHN (Very excited): You mean to say that you’re employed by the Michael Macintyre? OLIVIA: What? John – you look happy! What’s wrong? (Pause. Guiltily) I would have told you about him before but - . JOHN: I know all about him! (Pause) He was my Media Studies teacher, five years ago, at Bainbridge College! At this point the wires underneath the table got snagged as John crossed his legs unexpectedly. |