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The first tapes were recorded on Monday 9th April '01. It was a bright spring day, about 9.40 in the morning.Ellen and Michael are in Michael's office, talking...MICHAEL: Can you see what this is? It’s a piece of paper, Ellen. ELLEN: You don’t say, darling. Is this going to take long? MICHAEL: I just want you to be up to speed with where programming’s headed at Channel Z. This is last week’s ratings. You know what our top show is as of last week? No? Well I’m gonna tell you! It’s that quiz show, 'Regretfully Speaking', starring the baby-faced presenter genius Tony Chance-Hero! ELLEN: Really? MICHAEL: Yes. We’ve got to get him to sign a new contract. ELLEN: I know that our close cable rivals want him to front their new pets-in-space documentary-drama: 'Sputnik Tortoise'. MICHAEL: That’s why we’ve got to find a way of keeping him here. His contract is pretty much over. The last episode of his show goes out tonight. At this point Olivia, Michael's blonde secretary, enters, breathless from running up the stairs... OLIVIA (Gasping): Oh, Michael! MICHAEL: Hello Olivia. What’s the problem? OLIVIA: Oh – Mrs.Macintyre. I didn’t know you’d be here. I thought I could have a . . . private word with Mr.Macintyre. ELLEN: You’re out of luck, you brassy secretary. What do you want? MICHAEL: What is it, Olivia? Your cheeks are attractively flushed. Not bad news? OLIVIA (Desperate): The tape of the last episode of 'Regretfully Speaking'! It’s gone missing!
At 10.05am, lower down the building in the first floor gentlemen's washrooms, Rodney is polishing the mirrors while Mave is taking a hard-earned break... RODNEY: ‘Ere, Mave. How’s your Stan getting on with his motorbike what ‘e was building? MAVE: Oh, the kit model I gave him for Christmas in 1984, you mean? He’s nearly finished. ‘Ave you done wiping down them staff washroom mirrors yet, Rodney? RODNEY: Yeah, they’re so clean you can see yer face in ‘em! They both laugh RODNEY: We ‘ave a laugh ‘ere, don’ we Mrs.Parker? ‘Ere – what’s this I’ve found in the bin? It’s got the Channel Z logo on it. MAVE: It looks like a high-quality VHS tape – like what they make their programmes with. ‘Ere, are you thinking what I’m thinking? RODNEY: What? MAVE: That we gotta take this up to Mr.Macintyre’s office immediately? RODNEY: Well, I wasn’t, but . . .why don’t you let me take care of it, Mrs.Parker. At this point my suspicion is that Mr Clambake appropriated the tape RODNEY: This has got to have a high street value. I know someone who’d like a look at this! Ha ha ha! Heh heh heh!
11.12am. Tony Chance-Hero spots Michael coming down the main staircase... TONY: Oh! Mr.Macintyre. Can I talk to you? MICHAEL: Tony! Tony! Congratulations about the ratings. Well done. Afraid I’ve got to fly. Bye for now. We must get together to talk very soon. TONY: It’s about my contract. Has my agent spoken to you yet? MICHAEL: Well – we’re very grateful for the good work you’ve been doing for us. Is that the time? I really had better dash. I’ve got a meeting with – my plastic surgeon. Bye! Michael walks briskly away TONY: TV executives. Tsk! They’re always the same. Hate you when you flop. Hate you when you shine. Well I’m going to make my money’s worth out of him. We switch to the secret - well not that secret now, eh sir - love nest and hideaway on the fourth floor, which is known only to Michael and Olivia. And us now. We can hear the clink of what I guess is champagne glasses, and girlish giggling (presumably coming from Olivia rather than Michael)... OLIVIA: Oh, Michael. MICHAEL: Olivia! Come here, darling. OLIVIA: I hope you didn’t tell that nasty presenter that you had a meeting with your secretary. MICHAEL: Oh – he wouldn’t have believed it. Everyone at this station knows that I’m married to my work. And also my wife. Look, Olivia, put down that box of fruit gums. What am I going to do about this missing tape? I fear it has got into the wrong hands. Wait! Perhaps it has been stolen by a rival TV studio that knows Tony’s going up in the world – and knows his contract with us is at an end. They could use it to try and show that we at Channel Z are not serving his best interests. Oh, darling! OLIVIA: Oh, Michael. You look so worried. I thought - . MICHAEL: What did you think, my little apple sundae with chocolate sauce? OLIVIA: I thought one day you were going to leave the TV world, and leave that nasty harridan that you call your wife, and come and live with me in the countryside where we could keep cattle, and listen to the shipping forecast, and bring up our own babies! Are you listening to me? Olivia is crying fit to burst... MICHAEL: That’s all very well, darling, but it is not a very realistic projected forecast for the moment. I’m more concerned about finding the thief who has stolen my tape. And more to the question – how? And more to the question – why? There suddenly some scratching at the door... MICHAEL (Whispering): Can you hear a scratching at the door? OLIVIA (Whispering): No. Scratching again... MICHAEL (Whispering): It is! Oh no! There’s someone at the door! Our hiding place has been discovered! Chief cleaner Mave Parker enters unexpectedly, disturbing the clandestine lovers... MAVE:Oh, hello you two. No, don’t get up on my account. I jus’ wondered, Mr.Macintyre, whether you’ve thought about my raise? Has Rodney been to see yer yet, about the . . . Cor! This is a nice place you’ve got ‘ere. Although I’m not usually too keen on crushed velvet bedsheets meself. MICHAEL: Er – Mrs.Parker - . MAVE: Call me Mave. MICHAEL: This is not what it seems. Miss Destiny and I were testing the . . . the set, yes, the set for a new, hilarious game - slash - quiz show. Er – actually I was thinking of raising your wages by fifty pounds per week. How does that sound? MAVE: Oh, very nice. I’ll have to tell Rodney about this. MICHAEL: No, no. You mustn’t tell anyone. Particularly not Mrs.Macintyre. MAVE: Alright. As long as you throw in some new rubber gloves.
2pm. Rodney is standing just outside reception, talking excitedly on his mobile... RODNEY: ‘Ello? Billy? Is ‘e in? Ello? Yeah. I’ve got something that might be of interest to you. What? (Pause) A tape. (Pause) Well as it ‘appens, the final part of that 'Regretfully Speaking' series. The top-rating quiz starring Tony Chance-Hero. Yeah. Could you use it on your rival pirate TV station? (Pause) You can? That’s terrific. Right, meet me in the reception at Willy’s Tattoo Arena . . . about fifteen minutes. And don’t tell no one you’ve heard from me! Cheers!
3.22pm, Michael's office. Michael and Ellen are talking business... ELLEN: What are you doing, Michael? MICHAEL: Drawing up a new contract for Tony Chance-Hero. One that he can’t say no to. ELLEN: But I didn’t agree to increase his wages by treble the rate of inflation! Michael – are you trying to run us into the ground? MICHAEL: I’m trying to captain this ship, Ellen. Trying to keep her afloat. That’s all. ELLEN: But! MICHAEL: Don’t huff, Ellen darling; you’re not a steam train. ELLEN: Michael – before we were married you promised me the moon and all the world. What happened to that Michael, darling? (Gently) Eh? MICHAEL: I haven’t got time for this now. Olivia enters. I think she was wearing a black sweater that looked good on her, or it could've been her red mohair. Not sure... MICHAEL: Olivia! Any news of the missing tape? It’s crucial that we get it back within the next ten minutes if we’re to have any hope of broadcasting it on our station tonight! OLIVIA: I’m sorry, Mr.Macintyre, sir. No sign of it as yet. There was a long pause MICHAEL(Slowly): Olivia. Get me a large scotch. OLIVIA: Ice and . . . lemon? There's a knock at the door. Tony breezes in ELLEN: Tony Chance-Hero. So glad you could join us in the big office. Coffee? TONY: This is business, not pleasure, Mrs.Macintyre. But as you ask, white, with two lumps please. MICHAEL: Tony – I’ve got a new contract drawn up for you here – you only need to sign - . TONY: I’ll sign it. MICHAEL: You will? TONY: Of course. I love this place. After my mansion in Essex and palace in Barbados it’s like a second home to me. I’ll sign it now. But first – I need to look at the preview tape of tonight’s edition of 'Regretfully Speaking'. There are a couple of nick and cut edits I’d like to make before it goes on air. Is that okay? (Long pause) Er, why are you all looking so pale? Hey - ! What’s this? The cupboard where all my programme tapes are normally kept is bare! Where is my programme? I won’t sign a contract until I’ve seen my programme! ELLEN (Desperate to distract him): Tony - would you like another cup of coffee? TONY: No thanks, I’ve got coffee coming out of my ears. OLIVIA: Would you like me to fetch a mop? MICHAEL: He was speaking metaphorically, Olivia. Leave this to me. Tony: I’m going to level with you. TONY: Are you? Where the dash is my tape? MICHAEL: The truth is, we don’t know. TONY (Incredulously): You don’t know? ELLEN: It was stolen this morning by a mysterious third party. TONY: Who was it? MICHAEL: We don’t know that either. Look. Are you willing to talk about the terms of your new contract? TONY: Rip it up! This station is staffed by amateurs. MICHAEL (Angrily): You looked at Ellen when you said that. That’s unfair! TONY: If it was a wounded cow it would be put down. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. My agent will be hearing about this. And my lawyer. Goodbye. MICHAEL: Olivia. Get Mr.Chance-Hero his coat. Tony. Give me your hand. Two happy months with us. Eighty seven superb recordings. I’m so sorry it had to end this way. TONY: Sorry isn’t the word. Try: regretful. I think Tony stormed out at this point as the door slammed really loudly. |
