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Tuesday 10th July ‘01. 8.06am. Somewhere in the Lake District. It’s a bright sunny day. Mave Parker is trying to keep her spirits up. Locked in a cheerless room within the complex that forms the headquarters of Aubrey O’Gough’s gang of smugglers she ponders her fate... MAVE (Singing):‘Every sunbeam that shines on the ground, every robin that takes to wing and flies off...’ Ah, ‘ello Errol - my little ant. Ave yer come back? Ah! You’re my only friend ‘ere. D’yer know that? Of course, I don’t expect yer to talk. But it’s nice to have somebody to talk to. And sing to. (Sings) ‘Cast ne’er a clout, or I’ll lock your daughter out...’ The sound of the door being noisily unlocked. Joaquin enters... MAVE (Nervously): Oo’s there? Ere, am I free to go ‘ome yet? JOAQUIN: No. Now shut up. And no more singing. I’ve got a blistering headache. MAVE: I’m not singing for you. I’m singing for my friend, my ant – Errol. I named him after Errol Brown. JOAQUIN: You’re to come with me. MAVE: You know, off of ‘You Sexy Fing‘? Ere, what’s all this about? What d’you want me for? Meanwhile, in the peaceful village of Widow’s Elbow Jenny Luscombe is sitting at her kitchen table holding a crumpled photograph of Mave and weeping. Friend and magistrate James Wool is there too, and full of concern... JAMES: There, there, Jen. There ain’t nothin one can be doin’ now. The die ‘as bin cast and the bird ‘as flown. I wouldn’ go getting all flummoxed an emotion-racked. Can I ‘ave another cup o coffee? JENNY: There’s some in the pot. Oh, James. I’m so glad you’re here. You’re like a rock in a raging torrent. A buttress against the buffeting wind of adversity. I don’t know what I would have done without you. (Pause) I feel quite empty. So spent. (She continues weeping) JAMES: I’ll help myself to another flapjack. D’you wanta use my hanky? Here. JENNY: Thank you. JAMES: Mrs.Wool made me that on her sewing machine for our last anniversary. Hm. I got ‘er a toaster-teasmade, I recall. Well, the discrepancy in the respective expenses incurred created a rift in our previously quite harmonious marriage. I’ve learnt to live with it since. Cheer up, old pal! JENNY: I can’t! Oh! (Weeps) Do you think I’ll ever see Mavis again? What must Stan be going through now? And the boys... JAMES: The kidnappers will be found. Have no doubt about that. And punished, Jen, so please don’t go getting your lovely face all soaked and wet. You know, our best officers are on the case. JENNY: I suppose so. But, oh - when are they going to issue a ransom? I can’t sleep for worrying. Oh! Back at the kidnappers’ hideaway... AUBREY: Well, good morning, Mave. How are we this fine day? MAVE: I can only speak for meself. AUBREY: Then speak. MAVE: I’m alright. AUBREY: Good. Good. Now - . MAVE: I could do with a warmer duvet. My feet were cold all last night. Apart from that I’m fine. AUBREY: Joaquin? JOAQUIN: Sir? AUBREY: Get on it. JOAQUIN: Yes sir. Joaquin leaves... MAVE: Ere. Why are you being nice to me? And when are you gonna free me? I’m goin’ caravanning with me old man in three weeks - . AUBREY: Your working class lifestyle must go on hold, Mave. (Pause) What are you like in the kitchen? MAVE: I’ve won praise in my time. Why? AUBREY: Have you? (Pause) Good. Mrs Parker, this bunker is full of ravenous souls, eager for the simple taste of home-cooking. To be honest, we’re tiring of frozen pies and cup-a-soups. MAVE: Oh. AUBREY (Awkwardly) Do you think, er - . Would you, for a slight alteration in your circumstances – agreeable from this morning, of course - be able to - ? MAVE: I’d be happy to accept your offer. But in the kitchen, I call the shots. I’ll need my own rubber gloves. AUBREY: Of course Mave goes on to demand a long list of sundry items... Back at the TV station. Ellen’s office. 11.06am. Rodney bursts in on Ellen, without knocking... RODNEY: Mrs.M! Mrs.M! ELLEN: Rodney! You haven’t got an appointment. You’re disturbing my mid-morning yoghurt break. This had better be important. You’re flustered and out of control. Whatever is the matter? RODNEY (Breathless): It’s just been on the news. The kidnappers. Demanding $500,000! For Mave! ELLEN: Mrs Parker? RODNEY: Yeah! She’s bin kidnapped. ELLEN: Well blow me down. I thought I hadn’t seen her for a while. I thought she was on holiday. It was on the television just now? RODNEY: It showed a picture of her – the one where she’s wearin’ er Kiss Me Quick, Squeeze Me Slowly ‘at. (Chuckles) Ere, what are we gonna do? ELLEN: Hush now, I’m thinking. There is a pause... RODNEY: You’ve got some nice plants in here, Mrs.Macintyre. ELLEN: Thanks. (Pause) $500,000, you say they’re after? That’s a mighty large sum of money for somebody on Mrs.Parker’s income. I don’t suppose her family has money? RODNEY: No. ELLEN: Thought not. Gosh. This is a puzzle. RODNEY: Do you want to see the video of the news? I’ve got it ‘ere somewhere. I taped it over ‘Dictionary Diligence‘. It’s Mave’s tape. She likes seein’ them eggheads lookin' stumped. (chuckles) 1.10pm. Back in the Lakes. Kendal, to be precise. The humming newsroom at The Cumbria Advertiser. As the news team whirrs and whistles like a sort of well-oiled machine, reporter Sandy Catanzaro is on the telephone, talking animatedly to her brother, a disgraced former editor of a daily newspaper... SANDY (On the ‘phone): I’m telling you, Jake, this story’s got everything. JAKE (On the ‘phone): Everything? Sure, but - . SANDY: It just made the one o’clock. This time as one of the main stories. (Pause) Think about it. Old woman. A cleaner. Married. Maybe not married. Mixed up in . . . what? Drugs? A drug cartel? In the North of England. In where? In Leeds? Bradford? Manchester? Newcastle? Too obvious, Jake. The story’s wider than that. It’s deeper. It’s got real depth. How does she wind up kidnapped? What was she doin‘? Maybe she got too close. Maybe she knew too much about the operation? Maybe she was in on the operation? Maybe the operation was nothing more than a Mcguffin which was designed to bring her in on the operation from outside, so that the operation would make her think that she was in, that she was involved, when in fact she was outside. So outside that there was never any hope she could’ve got in. Even if she had wanted to. And why would she have wanted to? Anyway. We got a classic case of: cute old lady, maybe it’s she knows much too much, is brought in by these twitchers, is ransomed, is what? What? It’s got everything . . . except an explanation! (Pause) Old lady; the half a million dollars ransom – we’re maybe talking international... JAKE: I’ve seen it all before. The case is a stiff. You’re not gonna go for this? Sandra, I’m tellin ya - your face is gonna be nose deep in manure before you are beggin’ for your editor to take you off of the story. Believe me. I’m givin’ you good brotherly advice here. And hey – before you say it – I’m not a bum. This story ain’t got no heat. It got no thousand island; no dressing. No mayonnaise. SANDY: What’s that? JAKE: A salad has gotta have dressing, Sandra. When it don’t, it’s nude. Nude lettuce - that’s what this is. There’s a pause... SANDY: Jake? JAKE: What? SANDY: You’re a bum. 8.29pm. In the smallest studio at Channel Z, Studio 6, guests Dr.Franklin Rice and Dr.Jonathan Hanley, host Olivier Riedle, and a studio audience are standing by for the live transmission of ‘Body Talk - With Rice and Hanley’. Michael Macintyre and Martin Blarnspot are observing proceedings from the edge of the set... MICHAEL: I love this show. It’s so near the knuckle. MARTIN: It’s cause it’s live. Anything can happen. MICHAEL: And usually does. (Chuckles) Here - . MARTIN (Interrupting): By the way, the Columbus shoot has wrapped, as you know. All the footage is safely in the can. Cutting O’Gough’s rewrites has saved weeks of filming. MICHAEL: As planned. (Pause) Hey - you know that Olivier Riedle? Not many people know but his real name’s Jeff Peters. The ‘Body Talk’ theme plays, and the audience applauds. What follows is a short excerpt from today's live recording... RIEDLE (In full flow): We have been talking about blood, Dr.Hanley. Would you agree that it is the blood which gives us a method – a failsafe way – a kind of transportation system for the body? HANLEY: Yes. Blood cells are effectively the transportation system for our bodies. Cells appear to me to take their journeys along the highways and byways of our arteries, which are really - . RICE: Can I jump right in here? Can I interject, cause blood – which I think is so great, that’s what I believe is just so wonderful about it is that it’s so much the unsung hero of, of, of, of our bodies, which - . I mean, where would we be without our blood system and the tremendous work it does for us, without us even thinking about it, day in day out? I mean, think about it, it’s like a, a series of, uh - . HANLEY (Interrupting. He seems anxious to be heard): Wait. Wait. Er – I would, er, like to just pause and bring into the equation the heart which er- . RIEDLE: I’m glad one of you brought up the heart - . HANLEY (Seems sad and a bit angry): I hadn’t finished speaking. There are gales of audience laughter, and some applause. Ellen approaches Michael... ELLEN: Michael. MICHAEL: Hm? (Sees her) What? (Pause) I’m watching all of this, Ellen. It’s my show. I created it. ELLEN: It’s rubbish. MICHAEL: I’ll try to forget that comment. Rice and Hanley are - . ELLEN: Michael - ! MICHAEL (Annoyed): What do you jolly well want? ELLEN: Our chief cleaner Mave Parker - . MICHAEL: Former chief cleaner, I think you’ll find. ELLEN: What? You haven’t fired her? How could you? MICHAEL: I saw it on the news. Turns out she’s had a lot of time off without permission. Now, you know as well as I do - . ELLEN: Michael – she’s being held hostage against her will - . MICHAEL: I don’t care where she‘s being held hostage. We don’t want our station getting enmeshed in all this kidnapping malarkey Ellen utters an angry noise... MICHAEL: Now, if you’ll kindly go and let me - . Ellen! Stop it! You’re - you’re hurting my arm! ELLEN: I’m giving you a Chinese burn. A slight pause... MICHAEL: Why? ELLEN (Upset): If you have to ask - 8.55pm. Channel Z reception. Rather overawed by the large bronze statue of Hans Christian Anderson that dominates the reception area, Sandy Catanzaro approaches Helen, the receptionist, who is busy mixing herself a non-alcoholic brandy and lemonade... HELEN: Oh. (Pause) Hello. SANDY: Hello. I’m looking for the boss of the station. HELEN: Ellen Macintyre is in a business meeting... SANDY: I mean Michael Macintyre. I’ve come from Kendal today, to see Michael. Is he available? (Pause) Maybe you could call him? I’m Sandy. Sandy Catanzaro. It’s nearly midnight now. I’ve been able to post this set of tapes, but I don’t know how many more I’m going to be able to get hold of. Michael has found recording equipment in one of the boardrooms. He’s called me to his office first thing tomorrow morning - he says it’s about my bad attendance record. Could you see you way to getting me either all or some of the money you owe me for all my expenses since April, please, SOON! |