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Tuesday 12th June '01. 7.16am. Michael is in his office already, doing paperwork. He drafts a memo, then calls on the intercom for his temp secretary Tina Stewart. She is not prompt to respond. She is not a brilliant worker.... MICHAEL: Tina? There you are. I haven’t time to waste this morning. Can you send this memo, please, via internal mail? It’s very important. TINA: Who’s it to? MICHAEL: None of your business who it’s to. Look - . TINA: What? It’s seven o’blinkin’ clock, Mr.Macintyre! What d’yer expect at this time of the morning – Miss Blinkin Efficiency? (Pause) Euurrgh! MICHAEL: What is it? TINA: Me gum is stuck to me fillings. (Changing tack) You see - . MICHAEL: Look, I want none of this. My PA Olivia - ah, Olivia - is on a course in another part of the studio. I want you to send this memo to her at around one o’clock. It’s private. Please see that she gets it. TINA: Can I read it? (She suddenly belches) MICHAEL: As a secretary you are entitled to read most memos that you send. But not this one. OK? That will be all. Tina struts off... MICHAEL: Why did I send my darling Olivia on a telephone engineering seminar today of all days? When there’s that crunch meeting with Plum, Plum and Dubrie. Gaah! I mean Corvell. Oh - darn! 10.45am. In the peaceful hamlet of Widow’s Elbow, Jenny Luscombe is standing in the only ‘phone box, waiting for her sister Mave to answer her call... JENNY: Come on, Mavis. Come on, Mavis. (Pause) Ah! MAVE: ‘Ello? JENNY: Mavis. It’s your sister. MAVE: Oh, ‘ello you. What d’ya want? You shouldn’t call me at work. I’m really busy, what wiv getting everyfing ready for Mr.Michael – I mean Macintyre’s – important meeting this afternoon. Rodney’s watching daytime TV. JENNY: This is important! This morning, a man stopped me in the street outside the greengrocery store to ask me why you hadn’t been up to visit this week yet. MAVE: What? JENNY: Yes. He said you’d broken your agreement. That you have arranged to bring a package up to Widow’s Elbow, one every week. He wasn’t pleased that you haven’t been this week. MAVE (Annoyed): I haven’t had time! (Pause) Rodney! Stop eating my apple doughnut. It’s one of my only true joys in life - . Who was this mystery feller? (Pause) I’m not at ‘is beck and call! JENNY: He seemed to think you were. He said you must come up this week, bringing the package which the man on the 10.10am train gives to you, as arranged, or - . MAVE (Angry): Or what? There is the sound of a receiver being dropped, then Rodney picks it up... RODNEY: Ello? Mrs.Luscombe? Rodney ere! Mave’s gone off in a wotsit! (Chuckles) She’s not very ‘appy! Ere, can I come and stay sometime? JENNY: No. Pause RODNEY (Surprised): She’s hung up! Oh well - I prefer Scarborough. (Chuckles) 1.02pm. Deep in the bowels of the television station. Ellen and Martin are spending a relaxing hour in the secret sauna room which Michael had made for Ellen last year. The temperature is eighty degrees - and rising... ELLEN: It’s some time since I’ve been down here. I was amazed to find everything working alright. You seem relaxed now. You were tense earlier. What was it? MARTIN: Michael was on my back, about the Columbus budget affair. He called it a disaster but – you’ve got to spend money to make quality TV. Look at the new daytime letter quiz we’re screening from next week – Dictionary Diligence. It’s popcorn TV. ELLEN: I couldn’t agree more. But it’s one of Michael’s favourite shows. He likes its simplicity. I hate its austerity. MARTIN: Come here. ELLEN: Are you warm enough? MARTIN: I’m a bit too warm, truth be told. Can I turn it down? (Pause) There. Where did I put the oil? ELLEN: It’s in one of my woolly socks. (Pause) Michael’s been so cold lately. He’s been in a (Pause) funny mood. Not only since we came back from our two weeks in York. He thought we were looking for the ideal waterway for our canal romance project. When - . MARTIN: Instead we . . . realised that we (Pause) loved one another. And spent fourteen days in a holiday village with its own indoor leisure complex. Er - it’s even hotter. I thought I turned it down. ELLEN: You did. Let me try. (Pause) It’s off now. The heat should effectively disperse. (Pause) Oh, Martin. Do you remember the good times we shared, darling? Oh. (Pause) You, and me – it’s like a breath of fresh air. MARTIN: More like a whole lung filling up. Er, I’m too hot now. Is it the passion or has the thermostat gone berserk? ELLEN: I love you, Martin. (Pause) We’re going to be baked alive like lobster, but for once in my life I don’t care! Mart - ! Hold me in your arms. (Pause) I haven’t felt this way since - . (Pause) Darn it! It is the thermostat. Mart – we’d better get changed. MARTIN: Oh well. (Pause) What are you doing now? ELLEN: I’m meeting Head of Evenings Roger Regis-Royle. Pass my jacket. Thanks. (Pause) You’re not going to the finance meeting this afternoon? I can’t. I’m inspecting some plumbing at my mother’s summer home. (Pause) I don’t want to leave you. 3.55pm. At the crunch ‘CHRIS’ funding meeting, attended by the partners of Plum, Plum and Corvell investment house, Michael Macintyre and John DuBrie sit side by side. Michael has finished showing some work-in-progress footage of the film. The saga must appeal to the Swede Bjorn Plum... BJORN (Delighted): Good. Good! I especially like the chap in the cow outfit. MICHAEL: Thank you, Mr.Plum. Er, you mean Robert? That was a real cow. Now - . BJORN: Was it? Darned lifelike in my opinion. Only my opinion, mind. So. What can I - er, we - do for you, Mr.Mercantile? MICHAEL (Interjecting): It’s Mac - . BJORN: What? JOHN: It’s Macintyre. Don’t worry, Mike. We’ll get you there. (Pause) Mr.Plum - . MICHAEL (Seeming destabilised): I can handle this, John. I’m Station Chief here. (Pause) Mr.Plum. (Pause) The bottom line is: we need to borrow four million and seven hundred pounds from you in order to finance the completion of The Christopher Columbus thing. Now, we all know that Rome wasn’t built in a day; that in Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two Columbus sailed the ocean blue; that there’s no place like home – AND so on and so forth. But – we also know that without a shadow of a doubt, by lending us the money to complete this picture, your place. Yes, YOUR place, Mr.Plum, in the broadcasting motion picture industry history is completely assured. Is it a deal? A pause... BJORN: I’m not sure - . MICHAEL (Boiling): Plum, your procrastination is vexatious! JOHN: Mike – be calm. (He changes tack) Of course - . Mave enters... JOHN: Who’s this? MAVE: Ello, Mr.Macintyre and everyone. Ere – I’ve got a memo ere from that temp secretary Tina Stewart – for all of yer. There yer go. She said you wanted it Mr Macintyre. Take one and pass ‘em on. JOHN (In a rage): What’s this here? MAVE: Bye all! Mave leaves... BJORN: This manuscript is obscene! Did you write this, Mercantile? You? MICHAEL: For the last time, it's Macintyre! Er, there has been a terrible mistake. This memo wasn’t meant for - . (Pause) It isn’t true. I - I - didn’t mean all those things I said - . Oh, darn. JOHN: This woman is my fiancee! Don’t look so surprised, Macintyre! You must have known - surely? What does this say? Let’s see - (Reads) 'Dearest Olivy-darling. Words cannot express how much I love you and how I missed you at this morning’s meeting with Geoff Baldwin, head of the editor’s union - ' MICHAEL (Distraught): No! JOHN: 'You know that without you my life would be a vacuum, full of trifling people'. Macintyre, you are so trite. Hah! What’s this? 'I can’t wait to see you this evening to tickle the backs of your ears. Olivia, my heart beats only for you, as well as to pump my blood, of course.' I think we’ve heard enough. BJORN: So do I. Can we please come back to business, gentle fellows? I didn’t come here to get the low-down on Mr Mercantile’s loving life. MICHAEL (Hushed): John - I didn’t know that she was - two-timing me too -. (He sobs) JOHN (Hushed): Well it’s all over for you. (Aloud) Where were we? BJORN: I am heartily pursuaded that we should loan to Mr Mercantile and this Channel Z the money they will require. Four million and seven hundred pounds. But can you guarantee us that you will complete this Columbus epic films with this amount? There can be no more loans. Eh, gentlemen? His partners concur their wholehearted support for their aged mentor... MICHAEL: There won’t be, I promise you. This whole overspending problem arose because of the reshoots caused by the writer Aubrey O’Gough’s extravagant rewrites. Well - I’ve torn up his rewrites. He’ll be furious, but I’m going to make sure this drama series is finished. BJORN: Good for you. And now I think we should go to an adjacent ante-chamber where we will be wined and also draw up the necessary contract documents. 7.16pm. The HardHarness Saloon and Country Dancing Hotel near Shepherdsfield. Olivia and John are having a quiet cocktail together... OLIVIA: Thanks, John. I’m so sorry I lied to you when we went bowling. And every other time too. I’ve been a fool, and I knew I was wrong. But I never stopped loving you. John - . You’ve got to believe that. I was leaving the office tonight when Michael handed me this. JOHN: What is it? A P45! (Angrily) What? OLIVIA: I’m sorry. (Pause) I was expecting it really. Long pause... JOHN: Would you like another cocktail? (To waiter) Two more Lime Carnivals please, old man. And heavy on the lime. (Pause) I’m sorry, love. Come here. (Pause) I love you, and have decided to show faith in you. And in our future, and the future welfare of our baby - whom we will name either June or John Jnr., depending on its gender. OLIVIA: Really? Oh - . I never loved Michael. He was a blithering idiot. You are like the Colossus of Rhodes or Mount Olympius. Compared to you he is a corner alcove somewhere. But - oh John! JOHN: Yes, Livvy sweet? OLIVIA: Why did you not erupt like a volcano or tremendous earthquake when you discovered our guilty passion? How could you remain so calm? I’m amazed. JOHN: It was easy. I thought of you. And of us. The - three of us, my love. (They kiss) I wanted the deal to go through because if it did - and it has - there’s a very good chance of me becoming a partner at Plum, Plum and Corvell. OLIVIA: (Joyful) Oh, John! John! JOHN: You see, Macintyre was standing there, all set for me to come at him, like a fairground tumbler. I’m too clever to play that game. So you see that really we’re celebrating. You see, Livvy? We’re celebrating here. Cheers! Waiter - get me two packs of peanuts. So the cat's out of the bag now, sir. I'm not sure how Michael will react. He's quite highly strung, as you know. I know this maybe isn't the right time to mention it, sir, but I still haven't received any expenses yet. I know you're very busy, what with travelling the world going to international TV conferences and garden centre events, but would you be able to please email me about it this week. Only I'm starting to feel the pinch, particularly with this travelling to the Lake District... |