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Two weeks later. Monday 25th June ‘01. It is 9.lOam and Michael and Ellen are in Michael’s office talking... MICHAEL: Will you pass me that stapler Ellen, please? ELLEN: Would you like to come for a coffee darling? You look tired, despite having had all weekend to recharge. MICHAEL: That’s a laugh! You know how much I’ve had to do this last weekend. I - I think I’m finally getting on top of things. What? Let go of me. ELLEN: You’re coming for a mackeral bap in the cafeteria. Come on. MICHAEL: Can I take a raincheck? Ellen, let go of my lapel. Ellen - ELLEN: Oh alright, moody. I’ll go alone. Can’t you see that you need a replacement PA? MICHAEL: No one could replace her. (Pause) I mean - she was very good. ELLEN: A bit of an bimbo, if you ask me. MICHAEL: Nobody did. Oh come on - ! ELLEN: W hat? MICHAEL: My printer’s jammed. ELLEN: You need a holiday. Michael - why don’t you take a break? MICHAEL: I’ve got too much work - . Sir Art Chorlton is coming in at twelve to look at the loan details. (Pause) Aargh! ELLEN: Michael! Oh! You’ve spilt correction fluid on your tie. Shame. MICHAEL: Darn it! ELLEN: That settles it. I’m going to phone the recruitment agency. 10.06pm. In the sleepy village of Widow’s Elbow, Jenny Luscombe is leaning against a stile at the side of a road. Mave approaches... MAVE: Jenny! JENNY: Hello, Mavis. I didn’t know you were coming to visit. MAVE: I thought I’d surprise you. JENNY: What a wonderful surprise! (She kisses Mave) MAVE: What are you doing? JENNY: I was just leaning against this stile, but now you’re here we could go and have a cup of coffee. Look - it’s my friend, neighbour and also local magistrate James Wool. Hello! JAMES: Hello, Jenny. (To Mave) Hello, lady. I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of - ? MAVE: I’m Mave C. Parker. JENNY: She’s my sister. From Derbyshire. MAVE: I work for Channel Z. It’s satellite. JAMES: Sorry, I must be a bumpkin, ‘cos I’ve never ‘eard of it! Hey, have you heard the big news? JENNY: No. JAMES: There’s smuggling afoot. Here, in Widow’s Elbow. I can’t believe it. Can you? JENNY (Afraid): Oh, good gracious! Mavis! (Pause) What have they been smuggling? JAMES: We don’t know what. We only know that it be valuable. Worth up to three million of their new fangled pounds. I don’t want to worry you pretty ladies - ah ha ha ha! Mave and Jenny giggle like schoolgirls... JAMES: But I’d be on my guard if I were you. There be some fairly unsavoury personages hanging around this hamlet. And that’s a fact. I’d better go. My cows’ll be wanting slaughtering. Cheerio! (Chuckles) 2.O9pm. In a vacant boardroom on the third floor, Ellen and Michael are interviewing an agency candidate for the post of PA... ELLEN: Tell me - Miss Brown. Why did you leave your last employment? MISS BROWN: I was sackd for stealing a scanner. ELLEN: Oh. OK. And what do you think you'd be able to bring to Channel Z Television, should you get the job? MISS BROWN: (Pause) A scanner. ELLEN: Er - well - . (Pause) You have an - well, an OK set of references. How would you describe your relationship with your last employer? MISS BROWN: It were a bit tense like. ELLEN: Right. How would you feel if you were offered a job at this company? MISS BROWN: Glad to have the money comin' in regular like really. ELLEN: Er, if you were offered the post it would be 9 to 5, with additional business breaks accompanying Mr Macintyre at various junkets, dotted throughout the yearly calendar. How does that sound to you? MISS BROWN: Alright. MICHAEL (Hushed): Ellen, this isn’t working out really. We’ve interviewed five young women, and none of them are even possibles. ELLEN: I don’t know why you had to fire Olivia. She was always a dependable young woman. What was the reason you gave? Poor grammar? MICHAEL: I’d told her about it time and time again, and I gave her a written warning. (Pause) Right. Let Miss Brown go. Thank you - that’ll be all. We'll let you know. (Aside) Compared to Olivia, the quality of any candidate would be, indeed, very weak. 5.23pm. Ellen and Martin are frolicking in the waters of a private lido, to which Martin belongs... ELLEN (Flirtatiously): Oh Martin! Do you think I can get away with a bikini - at my age? I’m thirty eight, you know. You look handsome in your cossie. MARTIN: You look nice. ELLEN: Thank you. (Pause) I shouldn’t have run away from the office, but when you phoned with this wonderful invitation - I would have been a fool to refuse. Oh, kiss me Martin. (They kiss) You are the best thing. if you hadn’t happened to me my life would have continued, sure, but I would have been like a waxwork left out in the noonday sun. Slowly melting. Martin? MARTIN (Didn’t hear): What? ELLEN: Never mind. Michael has been really down this last week. MARTIN: Don’t think about him now. Pass me the sun cream. Can you rub it in please? ELLEN: Sure. (Pause) If he found out about us now I believe he would be crushed. (Pause) There. You should be well protected. Oh. The sun’s gone in. Anyway, can you do me? MARTIN: If Michael’s down it’s his own fault. He’s married to the most special woman in the whole world. Why can’t he see it? ELLEN: You cutie-pie. (Pause) Look at that little boy playing with his beach ball, it’s so wonderful this lido. You seem suddenly serious - . MARTIN: Hmm. Well, it’s not a secret to you that I want to take our relationship a stage further. I know. I know. What about my wife and my four teenage girls? I’ve thought it through. ELLEN: They are a factor. Er. can you put a little bit more just between my shoulders - oh! (Pause) Go on. You were talking about your - oh! - four girls. MARTIN: I’ve told you my marriage has died. My marriage is just - . Oi! ELLEN: What? MARTIN: That little kid just threw his beach ball at my ear! Clear off. (Pause) Where was I? I - I just want you to know I love you and I cherish the time - ow! Right! ELLEN: Martin, where are you going? Leave him. He’s just a boy. (Pause) Oh - I love you Martin. I don’t know if we’re destined to be together. Or does Michael - . (Pause) Ow! MARTIN: That does it! Come here, you little hooligan - ! Right. I’ve got the ball. Darling - can I borrow your car keys? (To boy) I’m puncturing your beach ball! And I don’t care! (It goes bang) Go and tell your Dad! Cry-baby! ELLEN: That was a little harsh, Martin. Look. His father’s coming. He’s rather a big chap. Oh - . MARTIN: What? Ah! Er - . (Pause) So sorry - . Would you like me to buy him a - er - new one? Evening. 7.11pm. Michael is home alone, sitting in his attic, leafing through some old photos and drinking a large bottle of Old Rottington... MICHAEL (To himself): Here we are at the snooker club. I’d just broken my cue by bending it in an excessive way and...(Pause) she . . . she looks so - so lovely. (Pause) There’s a tap on the window... MICHAEL: What’s that? Oh, the window. I’d better open it. just move this old pile of media studies teaching aids. (Tapping) OK. (Pause) Olivia! What are you doing here? And why didn’t you ring the doorbell? OLIVIA: I did. it looked like there was no one in. I knew you’d be up here, moping. So I got the ladder from out of your shed. MICHAEL: Come in. Let me help you. (Beat) Sorry. I know you can - manage. Your tights are torn. (Pause) Oh - Livvy. OLIVIA: Michael - ! (Pause) Have you drunk this whole bottle of Old Rottington? MICHAEL: There are plenty of empty bottles downstairs! OLIVIA: I hope you’ll take them all to a recycling centre. (Michael grunts) But Ellen? MICHAEL: She’s out. She’s always out. We seem to lead - oh, separate lives these days. (Pause) Did you come here to scorn me? I deserve much more. Scorn away! Scorn! Scorn! OLIVIA: Michael - you’re hysterical. I bear you no ill will. I was worried about you, and now I know why. You’re a shadow of the man I knew before. (Pause) What have you been doing these last few days? These photographs are of us! Oh! MICHAEL: I was downstairs in my library, working on Dictionary Diligence. I was, you know, sifting through contestant application forms, that sort of thing, when I just really felt that I needed to, well - see your face. (Pause) Are you happy, Livvy? OLIVIA: Oh, Michael. I’m so sorry. (Pause) John - . MICHAEL: Why did I have to lose you? (Sobs). I love you! A long pause... OLIVIA (Dreamily): There’s a photograph of us here in front of the Taj Mahal. In Shepherdsfield. A happy occasion by the look of it. I have forgotten what it was. What were we celebrating? (Pause) Oh yes. I’m going to have a baby. Another pause... MICHAEL: Tell me it isn’t his. Pause... OLIVIA: It’s yours. I’ve got to go. Late. 1l.l2pm. Widow’s Elbow. Jenny Luscombe is sitting up in bed reading a knitting pattern. Mave comes into their bedroom. She has her curlers in, and is wearing her mauve cotton nightie... JENNY: Are you off to bed too? Night then. MAVE: Goodnight, sister. Sweet dreams an that. See yer in the mornin‘. (Pause) I’m off tomorrow. JENNY: OK. Goodnight. (Pause) Oh! I’ve forgotten to lock the garden gate. I don’t want roaming sheep straying into my chrysanthemums. Er -. Would you be a lovely and go and lock it for me? Please? You’re up still and I’m warm. I would be so appreciative. Please? MAVE (Very reluctantly): Oh, all right. Mave goes... Time passes. Mave doesn’t return. Jenny plunges into a deep sleep. 2.39am. Jenny suddenly stirs... JENNY: Oh! Oh! What a nightmare! I was dreaming that Mavis, you were - ! (Pause) Oh. Mavis? (Pause) Where are you? (Sounds afraid) Mavis? Mavis! Still not a word on expenses. Please be in touch, sir. Is your office dealing with it or you personally? Because of all this cloak and dagger business I don‘t want to let anyone know who shouldn‘t know. I‘m mindful of our agreement. But I‘m running out of funds now. |