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Wednesday 23rd May ‘01. Three weeks after filming commenced on the lavish new drama 'CHRIS: The Christopher Columbus Story', editor Johnny 'The Scissors' Fenton had made a rough cut of some of the footage. In the screening room on the fourth floor, station bigwigs are waiting expectantly to see what, if any, progress has been made. I‘m sure you remember attending this screening, sir... ELLEN: A couple more minutes and we’ll be ready to begin. Oh, Michael! What if the boss doesn’t like it? All our hard work! I can’t face a reshoot! MICHAEL: Don’t worry about him. Leave it to me. If the footage is bad I’ll push for an extension of the deadlines. Popcorn? ELLEN: Not just now. Is it butter or salted? MICHAEL: Salted. (Pause) Oh, it’s gone dark. Ssh! It’s going to start. The film starts. The first scene is set in Christopher Columbus’s hovel where he is sitting as an old man, talking to a leathery scribe. The scribe is writing everything that Columbus says CHRIS: My name is Christopher Columbus. My story is very strange, fantastical and full of wonder, the like of which has not been seen for many generations. (Pause) I’m an old man now and have decided to dictate to you my scribe the story of my life. I have chosen you even though you are also old and wizened to be my scribe because I trust you to tell the truth. Yes. That’s right. Nod once for yes and twice for no. OK. (Pause) You need another candle? (Irritated) You should have thought of that before we started! (Pause) Ready? OK. My story begins in the year Fourteen Ninety Two with a visit to see Queen Isabella of Castille. And also the King Ferdinand. Write it down, man! Write it down! The scene changes to the court of Queen Isabella of Castille... ISABELLA: Cristoforo. Or may I call you Chris? You have been summoned here to the royal court of Spain, before our most gracious selves Queen Isabella of Castille and King Ferdinand of Aragon - . FERDINAND: Hello. ISABELLA: Shut up Fred, I’m talking. (Pause) Chris - you have been summoned before us so that we may instruct you to make haste with your voyage beyond the reaches of the known world and then maybe a little further. (Pause) Do not stand aghast, Cristoforo, for we have accepted your requests for aid. On this day, the thirtieth of April Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two we name you: Admiral of the Ocean Sea, and Governor and Viceroy of any territory which you may hereafter discover. (Pause) Chris? (Pause) You’ve turned purple. CHRIS: That’s great! I’m obviously very pleased. Oh yes! ISABELLA: And so are we. We hope, most sincerely, that you will find for us the Western route to the Indies. For that would be good. We shall reward you handsomely if you succeed. CHRIS: Oh – thank you! Thank you, your graces. I won’t disappoint you. We’ll set sail from Palos – as soon as we can! ISABELLA: All my hope and prayers go with you, Cristoforo. We shall not rest until we have heard of your safe return. FERDINAND: May I interject something - ? ISABELLA: No. The scene changes to the emotional departure of Columbus and his men... CHRIS: We set sail from the tiny port of Palos in Spain at dawn on the third of August Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two. Our hopes were high. I commanded three ships: The Santa Maria, The Pinta and the smallest, The Santa Clara, nicknamed the Nina. Almost all of my men were from Palos. Good men; brave; daring – all recruited on the promise of gold and glory. (Pause) I remember fondly Nico, the look-out and cabin boy and his fun and his games with the – with the crew…(Coughing fit) Aboard the Santa Maria, where two members of the crew are having a siesta... NICO: Hey – Ricardo! RICARDO: What? Don’t bother me- I siesta! I very tired! NICO: You always siesta! RICARDO: Don’t bother me until we sight land – o.k.? (Pause) Three weeks without the sight of land. I must be crazy! Nico gestures towards the dolphins playing in the water RICARDO: O.k. Nico! I see the dolphins. That’s great – but just don’a bother me! RICARDO falls back to sleep. (Pause) NICO: Ricardo! Wake up Ricardo! RICARDO (Annoyed): What? I was dreaming of the hills of Castille. (Pause) You cheeky monkey! You put ship’s biscuit in my face! O.k. What is it? NICO: I got to take a survey for cook on the enjoyment of the food on this journey so far. What do you think of the food so far? RICARDO (Annoyed): Tell him it stinky! Now go away. Back with Columbus in his grimy hovel, with the old scribe struggling to stay awake... CHRIS: I remember Ricardo – a good man. But not so cheerful. No. Um. Ah yes. We sailed south to the Canary Isles, then west, out into uncharted waters. I convince the men that land was not far away. Some days the winds died completely but mostly we were carried across the shining ocean waves by huge gusts which filled our little sails almost to breaking point. (Pause) Hey! Wake up! Wake up – I’m talking still! Write it down! Write it down. (Pause) After five weeks the men were anxious. I understand completely. Then, on the tenth October Fourteen Ninety Two our lookout, Nico, spy a flock of birds flying to the Southwest. Hope of sighting land was restored – for us all . . . ! Back aboard the Santa Maria... RICARDO: Two’a day since we see those birds! Two’a day! NICO: Sleep, Ricardo. We are to find land - we have to. (Pause) I want - . CHRIS: What do you want, faithful look-out boy? NICO: It’s nothing. (Pause) I want to be able to dig a hole in the ground – without springing a leak! CHRIS (Comfortingly): We all do. RICARDO: I don’t. CHRIS: Go back to sleep, able seaman. NICO: It can’t be! Look! Oh - ! It’s beautiful! CHRIS: What? (Pause) Oh! CHRIS (In voiceover): So it was that at dawn on the twelfth of October Fourteen Hundred And Ninety Two we see, through the growing light, the New World. Ah! At the halfway point, you were ecstatic with what you had seen, sir... SIR ART: Congratulations! I love the footage so far. ELLEN: Splendid. (Very relieved) We still have many more days’ filming ahead of us, but I hope that we will be able to maintain the quality. Thank you for your approval. SIR ART: This has really got potential. Plenty more stuff like this and you could be looking at Michael’s job. Eh Michael? MICHAEL (Forced): Ha ha ha ha ha. ELLEN (To Michael): You’ve popcorn in your tie. MICHAEL: Oh. SIR ART: Looking forward to the next instalment. It’s good that you’ve given us time to come up for air. I’m sorry I must go and spend a penny. The screening recommences. The screen fills with a lush tropical shoreline and Columbus and his men eagerly descending into rowing boats... CHRIS (In voiceover): We rowed ashore. The beach was peaceful. The land was densely covered with jungle that appeared, to me, at first sight, incredibly dense. (Pause) Our first task was to claim the New World for God and for Queen Isabella. (Pause) And King Ferdinand also. A short service was arranged on the beach with all the crew members present. My heart beat through my tunic. CHRIS: And therefore – in conclusion then we claim this land and all that it may contain, even including dangerous or unnecessary things, in the name of God, and Queen Isabella of Castille. Everybody cheers... NICO: And King Fred. CHRIS: And Good King Fred. Well remembered. Thanks, Nico, for pointing that out. (Pause) Now - . What - ? What shall we do now? Anyone? (Pause) Ideas? RICARDO: We could have a look around? CHRIS: Good idea. I name this expedition: Looking Around Expedition. Anyone want to join in? Everybody cheers and throws their hats in the air... CHRIS: Then follow on! The explorers are suddenly stopped in their tracks by Jeff Prince, a pale, sunburnt man in his mid-thirties. He is wearing a shorts, a ragged shirt and a tattered straw hat. He is accompanied by a scraggy white cow who looks up quizzically at the visitors JEFF: (Cough) Excuse me? (Pause) Excuse me. What are you doing here on my island? CHRIS: On your island? We’ve just discovered it! And the whole of the New World with it. JEFF: Don’t be silly. Look, I’m not being funny or anything, but I discovered this land when my ship was blown here in a freak storm off Cape Verde and all the crew were lost except me, six years ago. (Pause) Sorry. I own everything here. And it’s no good trying to palm me off with some glass statues of a bull ring because I had exactly the same idea myself. But there’s no one here except me. And my cow Robert. The cow bellows musically JEFF: He says hello. He’s ever so friendly. It’s a brilliant island though, don’t you think? Why don’t you come to my grass house and I’ll make us all a nice cup of tobacco. Don’t look so shocked. Oh, and you might as well take that royal standard down. Come on, Robert. The cow follows Jeff as he leaves... JEFF (To the company): Come on. It’s only a ten minute walk through the jungle. (Pause) Oh – we had a monsoon this morning. It plays havoc with your crops, I tell you. Back in the screening room, the lights come up... ELLEN: Michael – what did you think of that rough edit? Brilliant – or banal? MICHAEL: Surprisingly good. Well done darling. Let’s eat dinner. ELLEN: Er – I’m meeting Martin. (Pause) To swap notes on the screening. MICHAEL: See you later then. At home. Michael leaves on his own ELLEN: Oh dear MAVE: What is it, Mrs.M? Trouble in paradise? Rodney chuckles ELLEN: Hello, you two. RODNEY: We sneaked inta the screenin, didn’ we? In my umble opinion, for what it’s worth– a masterpiece so far. I thought I was gonna be very bored but I wasn’t really. ELLEN (Weakly): Good. MAVE: Come on Rodney – we can’t stand here a-chitter-chattering! It’s high time we went to buy them mouse-traps what we want. Come on, Rodney. See you, Mrs.Macintyre! I think the filming is coming along, really. Don’t you, sir? What did you think of it so far? |