Introducing Hetty

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The eggs are scattered about...

There isn't one single place...

Last thing Monday night... just as I was getting tucked up in some discarded industrial strength fertilizer sacks, there was a rapping on the cow shed door. Immediately I sprang to life. Was it one of their goons, perhaps armed with a sharpened pair of binoculars or walking pole? I stealthily slid towards the door, which was barred with a large pot plant. The rapping continued. I heard a voice: ‘Are you in there? I know you’re in there.’ It was a young woman. I lay stock still on the ground. I ruminated that the shed was probably not secure with only a pot plant barring the door. Moments passed. The rapping came again. Then the voice, saying, ‘I want to help you. Please let me in.’ Well, curiosity got the better of me. Apart from anything the young woman’s lilting voice was strangely pleasant. Its musical tones reflected the Cumbrian heritage of its owner quite accurately and focused my own mind on welcome thoughts, such as the warm glowing embers one gets from a real log effect gas fire, young children playing in a cul de sac after a visit from an unexpected ice-cream van, and carefully choosing from inviting jars of sweets on a cold and wintry Saturday afternoon, as a plump newsagent’s wife looks on sympathetically. I unbarred the door, eager to put face to voice, and see who it was who was now promising aid. The door opened, and in crept a young girl, no more of eighteen or nineteen. Clad all in black her slight frame slipped through the chink in the door, which closed behind her soundlessly. Instinctively she replaced the pot plant behind the door as a barrier to further access. Sweeping her black hair from her face she viewed me tremulously, her eyes meeting mine. They were full of urgent questions. Later that night she agreed to be formally interviewed by me, on a highly confidential basis. Read the interview below.

Hetty has really told me a lot...

I've got plenty on Aubrey now

Introductions: E: What is your name please? H: Hester. Hester Roberts. E: And how old are you please? H: Eighteen. E: And your occupation? H: I’m working here at the complex. I’m a carrier. E: How long have you been doing this job? H: I’ve been here since March. About two months after the complex opened. But I’ve had enough of it. I’m finished with Aubrey O’Gough. He looks so nice and kind and witty when he’s on telly being interviewed by Melvyn Bragg, or on GMTV wearing one of his humourous woollen jumpers, but he is a monster, and he hates the environment. He has got to be stopped. E: Thanks, we’re coming to that. H: Oh. Sorry. E: You seem nervous. You don’t have to be nervous of me. H: I’ve seen you here before. When you’ve been up, presumably spying for somebody? I don’t know. E: I thought my cover was complete. How odd. H: Well I’ve seen you. I saw you move into this cow shed earlier on this evening. E: Oh. Well, I’ve never been in the TA or anything. I’m just an amateur really, doing what I can. H: I haven’t told anyone. Duties: E: What are your duties here at the Twitchers’ Nest? H: (Puts hand to her mouth and laughs briefly) Twitchers’ Nest! That’s funny. E: I don’t see what is so funny about it. Er, can we move on to your involvement here at the, er, at this complex. H: Well, the stolen and smuggled eggs are brought here first for classification by O’Gough and his team of scientists, but they’re not stored here. If anyone from the authorities came here looking for a hoard of stolen rare birds eggs they would be rather disappointed. E: Where are they stored? H: In disused, abandoned mine shafts in the hills. Near here. E: Can you take me there, Hester? Pause H: Yes. (Pause) You can call me Hetty. Mave Parker: E: Moving on. Mave Parker is being held hostage here at the complex. Her gnarled face is all over the papers and TV at the moment. O’Gough is demanding $500,000 for her safe release, although from the outside his name is not connected with the kidnapping. Can you tell me why that is? H: Sorry, I’ve got straw in my sock. E: Er, let’s continue. H: O’Gough is trying to distance himself from the kidnapping. Long pause E: Go on. H: What? Look, O’Gough and Mrs Parker have come to an arrangement. E: An arrangement. I knew it. H: She’s gone over to their side. To the twitchers. E: To your side. H: No, to their side. E: Right. H: I’ve come over to your side. E: Have you? Oh. I mean, that’s great news. H: Aubrey discovered Mrs Parker could cook. She is a really good cook. She has been cooking and cleaning for the whole complex here for the last month. It’s mainly males here. None of them can be bothered to cook a proper meal or even use a toilet duck once a fortnight. She’s been doing it all - in return for - . E: In return for what? H: She’s living it up with Aubrey O’Gough and his top team. And she is going to get a good part of the ransom, if that satellite TV station - is it Channel Zee? E: Channel Z. H: Not heard of it. E: It’s got some really good programmes. H: Well, if they are stupid enough to pay up. She was even allowed to invite her seventy year old husband Stan, and her sons up here, but only Bradley came. He’s having the time of his life, is old Stan. Cigars galore, and lounging on the terrace by the pool. Her whole family is in on it. E: Apart from her sister Jenny Luscombe, who is distraught, I can assure you of that. H: No, I’ve never heard her mention any sister. O’Gough and Mrs Parker are like the best of mates. Pause E: Interesting. If Mrs Parker isn’t in any danger then there is no need to pay the ransom. H: But he’s making the world think she is. Oh look - did you know there was a calf asleep in the corner? Oh, there’s two of them. E: Yes, we’ve been pretty much biding away from each other. Er, what you’ve told me is really invaluable, Hetty. I can’t thank you enough. H (Urgently): Let me help you. E: The vendetta isn’t about Mrs Parker, or, really, about Channel Z. Incidentally, most people with satellite have heard of Channel Z you know. H: What is it about? Tell me. E: I don’t know if I can trust you. (Pause) Will you show me the places where the rare birds eggs are stored? Hetty sobs. E: Hetty - . H: Let me help you. I came here to work because - I love nature and I love birds. I thought we were going to help, be preserving rare birds. He has ruined all my dreams. It’s a lie. I’ve been led a dance. I don’t want to be helping a monster. E: Don’t cry. Hetty - I’ll let you help me. Here. Dry your eyes on my fleece. Long pause H: (Still convulsed with sobbing) I can - introduce - you as a new - new member of the group.

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